FloatingĀ 

Mom and dad never taught me how to swim

They tried… Let’s be fair.

Swimming classes and family members trying to make me and my sister understand how to

 “push water back”

 “breathe properly” 

“keep moving our legs” 

I don’t know….I just never got the hang of it.

And always thought that if I never go into a water body, I’ll never drown.

Won’t have  to keep moving my legs, breathe properly or push the water back.

I did learn to float though.

Just in case.

(What an idiot)

Well turns out you can drown. Even when you’re not in water.

Even when you’re walking, working, going to college, you can drown.

Drown in the work. Drown in the tasks, the projects, practicals, Dramas, duties, ambitions, aims, etc etc

I am drowning right now.

With so much to do and so much to learn in such short span of time.

Drowning in my own expectations, own demands, own feelings, own emotions and just my own life.

And I can’t push this water back, I can’t keep breathing properly and I can’t keep moving my legs.

I don’t know how to.

(And I don’t know whether it’s even possible)

Holding on desperately to the small boulders, trees, logs which are spread through out my river of life,

But my hands hurt…. And they all almost always become too tough to hold on to. And almost always, I leave them and crash into the next thing….

Out from one rapid into the other.

But I’m done now. Done holding on. Done trying to slow my river down.

Thank God I learned how to float.

I will be floating for a bit.

Its scary, floating. You don’t know what will happen, whom/what you’ll crash into, you’re not the  master, the water guides you.

But I am assuming, that it’ll be better than drowning. Or crashing.

So I’m gonna be floating for a while. Thank God I learned how to…..

Advertisements

Scary Brain.

Human brain is the scariest thing. It can make up anything and everything. Make us believe anything and everything. Sometimes I go for a stroll on the roof of my house at night and an uncanny feeling sets in. A feeling that there’s a ghost or a dead thing like a zombie behind me. It’s creeping up to me….silently. And any second i will grab or tap my shoulder and I’ll be facing an ugly creepy face. 

Basically I feel like I’m in any standard horror movie. 

Of course I know it’s all a figment of my imagination. I know that full well. My conscious brain knows the truth. But still, like a crazy person, my neck does prickle. My knees do feel a little weak and I get minor goosebumps. And still almost 8 times out of 10, I do turn around to check and I do finish my walk and rush downstairs at full speed. 

It’s weird isn’t it? But to my defense, there’s this really shady corner besides my roof where all kinds of shadows are formed. 

And that’s not all my brain does. Sometimes I have full fledged arguments! With people of my imagination, or people doing stuff in my imagination. Sometimes I even make myself cry just by thinking various things. 

I know all this is pretty common (esp with people having overactive imagination like mine). But that’s the scary part. The fact that this…this weird power of human brain is common. The fact that our brains can control us if we don’t pay attention, and make us feel and believe things that don’t exist. 

If we were to notice, we’d see that all these automatic thoughts are usually those which either scare us or prepare us from things that don’t exist. 

It’s good that now I know that my brain is playing tricks. I can rationalise with it much better. I can contradict it much better. But what of those millions who don’t realise that it’s not the “other” or the “world” that’s harmful for most of the time its their own self.

Thoughts under the Moon

If only we stop humanising everything

Here I am once again, wishing for a power cut

To the streetlight I want to say goodbye

So that I’m left alone, in this light breeze and calming moonlight.

So that I forget I’m human, and I have to lead a chaotic life.

So that at the stars I can gaze, peacefully tonight.
It’s almost full moon

The sky is as clear as it can be. 

If only we stop humanising everything,

We can have moonlit silver bodies.

Maybe the stars will guide me, If I can find some in this pollution

Maybe I would’ve been free, If I wasn’t a human.

Maybe I’d have enjoyed much more, If I wasn’t human!

Find What Feels Good

Do you ever wake up with an inner conflict that has you torn between whether to enjoy your life, be where you are or whether to GO OUT and get out of your comfort zone?

Well, surprisingly, I do.

I used to hate both these “philosophies”. Both contradicting each other but both claiming to help you improve your life, find yourself, and what not. But it turns out I had both of them wrong….

For me getting out of your comfort zone meant forcing yourself to do things in ways you don’t want to. Trying everything and anything. Whereas loving what you have right now meant being happy with what you have and just flowing through life without wanting more.

Now it may be that I misinterpreted both these school of thoughts, or it may be that the innumerable self help sites which force their opinion on you, do not delve much into their meanings. Nonetheless, I think I had an epiphany today…

So I wake up today sick and feeling awful. Cold, cough, and all the irritants that occupy this condition were dragging me down. I desperately wanted to feel better and be able to go to college, so I did what I do when I’m clueless. Yoga.

This post is not about yoga or its benefits. So don’t worry I will not list a 1000 reasons to practice yoga whether you want to or not.

Anyways, I like the fact that I can get my mind off things when I do some routines so usually when I do not feel “hippie”, I find a yoga for that situation. Sure enough, it was ” yoga for when you are sick” today. And like all the other times, Google (God bless for Google), listed a million links and videos which had the power to help me (no matter how remotely).

This is where my conflict or rather internal argument began. There is this one yoga channel that I absolutely love (Yoga with Adriene) and I love to explore new videos and routines she posts. Ofcourse there was a yoga routine for when you’re sick. And it began,
“I am too comfortable with Adriene now, shouldn’t I explore more channels? See what they have to offer”
“But Adriene’s the best. Other channels are boring and monotonous, you know it…”
“Yeah, but I haven’t tried all of them yet, let’s try a new instructor today”.

So the get out of you comfort zone department won, and I was trying to follow a different channel which I could only bear for 5 mins and was back with Adriene after that.

Sad on my inability to try out new stuff, it finally hit me….

Both these philosophies are same in their basic meaning. Find what feels good. (Something that Adriene keeps reinforcing and reminding us in every video).

Both the thoughts want us to explore new things. Where the first tells us to go and try things which intrigue us and not be afraid to step out of the routine, the other tells us to explore new areas in things we love already.

They both want us to explore and find new stuff that we can genuinely enjoy. In other words, FIND WHAT FEELS GOOD.

So if I like coffee, I don’t have to force myself to have tea every morning. I am allowed to enjoy my coffee. Maybe try different forma of it and see which one I love. And if, someday, a type of tea, say green tea, intrigues us, makes us think,
“Yeah, I’d like to know how it tastes” …we should go and try it.

And there you have it. My brain’s bs out on this blog. Now I don’t know what makes sense and what does not, for I am sick and not in my senses. But all I want to say is, find what feels good and have fun.
Bbye! šŸ™‚

Aprajita Rana

We’re going on….

It’s a 160 second red light for a 30 second green. Makes no sense does it? To wait! Wait for your turn.
But to be fair you’re already late. Late for that meeting/class/other things Monday has brought along with it. So in a perfect pandemonium of cars, buses, scooties, bikes, trucks, rikshaws, autos and cycles, let’s just take our chances. Let’s jump the light! Let’s go to the extremes of the road, the point where the footpath is half an inch away, and overtake the person in front. Ofcourse, we don’t know each other and probably never get to either. But i’ll beat him/her atleast. Who cares about the consequences. Hell we don’t even know what they could be. Let’s just go. Get going. Keep going. And keep going yet. We’re just some humans amongst other humans with stuff to do and things to achieve. We don’t know what we will do with them. Or what does anything mean. Why does anything exist. But we just need to keep going. So there, now we’ve crossed another light. And still we’re going on………

Aprajita Rana

A walk in the park

Don’t you feel weirdly calm, when you come across an unexpected epiphany in daily chores and activities? I know I do.
I recently started going for morning walks. Mainly because of two reasons, I should probably mention here:
Oneā€¦its summer vacation and i have a lot of free time (plus I get bored)
Second…it gives me an excuse to laze around all day guilt free šŸ˜›

So, yesterday, I was for some apparent reason really motivated and walking briskly in the not so little park behind my building. This obviously means that I was worn out in a few rounds (for if you know me, you know brisk walking, or walking in general ain’t my thing).
Now, when my fire doused, (which was soon) i continued my trek but now really slowly and in just a few minutes I realised how beautiful that park really was.

image

image

Few clicks of what I saw. But it was more than this.

A beautiful web, intricately and strategically woven between two branches with the thread so thin and delicate that the camera refused to capture it with the owner spider claiming the center for himself like it’s his throne.

A di-colored lizard with spikes down the back and a royal dragon face, concentrating on some unknown creature in grass with one foot up, almost like a yoga pose. (Too bad it ran away before getting it’s picture taken)

The best of all were the sweet smelling flowers all around and sunlight sifting through the branches of these flower laden trees touching the grass and you with it’s early morning gentleness.

image

It was here when I actually realised that everything we look at, all our surroundings, our environment, basically everything gets its definition from our perception. Most of the time it is us who perceive them as hostile or friendly, or for that matter beautiful or ugly. It is our perception, of our environment that gives it a definition.

And it was here when I actually understood why “slow down” is a pretty common advice of all spiritual/self help materials. Just moments before when I was trying to walk as fast as I can I did not even notice where I was, what I was doing, rather what I was missing. I was oblivious of the beauty around me. But when I slowed down, and actually looked around this seemingly normal place became a paradise.

I think that’s all we need, slowing down, slowing down to tread troubled waters…

Aprajita Rana

Cage

image

What a paradoxical being a human is!
It craves for freedom when in a cage
And makes a cage when it’s essentially free.

One bar of this cage is their workplace
And diligently it works on this everyday!
Another is it’s so called home
This bar is the heart of our comfort zone.

Most of the others are this virtual world
Where every second a new lie takes birth.
The strongest bar yet, is our fellow human beings
Who bound us with the strongest of strings.

And in these bond it will spend all it’s life!
Adding to its cage a mesh of worries and strife!
And then when the soul will wish to leave
It will have but one regret, but one wish
To go back and free itself, from all the bonds so carefully made
And LIVE life not survive each day.

Aprajita Rana

What Psychology taught me in First Year

image

You know, I so wish that this post contained all the theories and topics that my teachers have tried so hard to embed in my brain via my seemingly ineffective ears, but it does not! Sadā€¦i’ll have to rote learn all that!

But corny as it may sound, I have come across a few “life lessons” as one may call them, in my first year of being a Psychology student.
So here they are, five things studying psychology had taught me:

1) Expectations Ruin Surprises.

Has it ever happened to you? You’ve got this image all build up, of how the situation is going to be and the things you’ll do etc etc. Well I tend to do that! From images of what college would be like, to exams, to simple silly competitions and friends and almost every other expectation I have ever catered to has been shattered ruthlessly. In saying that however, these situations have also somehow played out so perfectly that it’s honestly, MADENNING.
This is when I realised, that in hoping for the “mental picture” to materialize, I did lose out on many entirely “awesome” moments which were infact going on.
The logic is simple, if we spend too much time on complaining how this place right here is not what you wanted, we can never realise that in reality it infact is perfect. After all our attention has limited capacity! (I do remember some course stuff yo! *Nailing General Psychology like a bawss*)

2) You’re all the subject that you need!

The part which i find the most interesting in psychology is our practicals. Even though I find writing it all down a huge cumbersome task and finding the “subject” (person on whom we’re supposed to do the practical) a pain in the ass, I still love practicals because we get to test ourselves and know ourselves better.
Every time I have made myself the subject of the study, I’ve learned something new. For example: I am highly neurotic, and even though I am highly open to new experiences and things, my conscientiousness to do something is so low that scales don’t even mention it! (I can support this by citing the example of my irregular blogs!!!😼)
I love finding stuff about myself. It somehow proves how crazy I am which gives me mental peace ( 🙈 just kidding!)

3) The Best way to live, Is to stop, listen and observe!!

I can honestly say, that my tendency to observe things and people has increased manifold. Not just people, but myself as well. I literally go “okay, I think some stimulus has triggered a mood change in me” (true story: Barney meme)
What I have also found is that this is infact the only way to learn. I know for a fact wherever we are, our mind is mostly in a state of turmoil. We’re thinking other stuff, waiting for our turn to speak or just not completely aware of the situation. And obviously, we miss out on details, or forget stuff!
I know I’d have missed this, if I were on a phone or inattentive:

image

A simple yet such a poignant quote expressing this guy’s emotions with a beautiful brevity.
“Each minute is full of 60 lessons, we just need to pay attention” (#LillySingh). We are surrounded by such unique things and beings, it’s us who lack the power to observe and comprehend them.

4) People Just want to be heard.

Confession: I read this somewhere, but since I’ve tried to incorporate this into my life, thought I’d as well mention it.

People just want someone to talk to. They have their shit, and they need to share. Agreed you have yours too but hey, it does not hurt to listen! I’ve started listening more (yeah, people who know me it’s true! You didn’t notice? Back to point three dawg!). It feels good to be a confidante, but more than that, you realise that every one is sad and miserable, much more than you and this makes you feel better, for you realise that you are not alone!
( Or maybe it’s just me, I am a bit sadistic, so yeah)

5) All your troubles are either a test or for a test

Although the title here is self sufficient, I’d still like to blab some more.
Remember whenever you are in a “situation” this will pass. (And if this situation is an exam…you will pass!)
Even though this is more of a philosophy than psychology, nothing is permanent and in the end it’s all good and for good!

K. Thanks. Bye šŸ™‚

Aprajita Rana

The Beautiful Woman

I saw her a few months ago. As usual, I was NOT in the mood to go to college and attend another one of those mundane lectures, talk about senseless stuff in break and eat whatever bad food the canteen was serving.

It is usually in such times I turn to philosophy for my entertainment. Meaning of life, what is happiness? Is universe abundant? and all other unanswered questions become my sweet escape.

However, this time it was different. I saw something. A sight that still gives me chills. En route to my college, I saw a woman in front of a Temple. She was old and all her years had created an intricate art piece made entirely of wrinkles on her face. She was dark skinned but the sun’s angle made her look radiant. Her body had given up on trying to maintain any types of curves and she was dressed in a probably dirty saree. She wasn’t from a well off family, she was sitting with the beggars. The Temple is near my place so I know for a fact she wasn’t a regular there. But then, there was her smile. A full, happy, innocent, one-toothed smile. Smiling at the person who had just given her some prasad. Content, satisfied, uncomplaining and complete.

I have never seen anyone smile like this. She seemed really happy. For the, probably 30 seconds, that I was staring at her, my mind had completely stopped. All I saw was her smile. It was so elegant, so naturally radiant and just angelic! I do not have appropriate words to describe it. She was  beautiful.

I still remember the feeling I had all day long. I was calm. I didn’t want to talk, speak, listen or even look at anyone. I felt like I had seen an angel.

I don’t have her picture. (God, I wish I did!) But I tried Googling a similar woman. This is the closest I could find….

image

Makes me wonder, why we obsessively try to cover ourselves and everything true about us with make up and expensive accessories!?

Maybe cause none of us is happy and we need to prove to everyone that we are…..

Keeping Quiet..

image

There’s a saying “The quieter you become, the more you can hear”. I wonder if it’s even true….

I remember when I read this poem, I wished for it to come true. I would’ve been content, if it was made possible even for just 2 minutes. But it seems that complete utter silence is a myth….. The clock keeps ticking, kids keep screaming, cars keep honking and well this can go on…

A research proved that a constant low voice can cause stress and heart problems, but still we live in this era where noise is so ingrained in our lives that only death and disaster has the power to silence us (Not even that for some). If you’d just pay attention…be quiet just for a minute and listen…. you’ll be greeted with so many sounds that you’ll hope Neruda was a dictator and ban all of this. (And if you are one of the lucky ones who can hear nothing but silence then love it and enjoy while it lasts.)

For once I wish we’d not be so modern and shut off our cars…for once can we not interrupt the pure moonlight with rude distasteful street lamps? For once I wish we give silence a chance….and just once, just once keep quiet…..